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"Does anyone here someone in addition to their spouse?" Not me. Although I have seen opportunities for this to happen, I have avoided them or put a stop to it before it could get started. Can't get wet if you don't go out into the rain. "I just want to know why shit like this happens." Because we let it happen. It's a tendency of human nature, but we're not just who are slaves to instinct and hormones. We're also sentient creatures who have the ability to reason when we choose to. "How much of is feelings and how much is choice?" I think that changes through the course of a relationship, just as the nature of that changes. In the beginning, the "-" is all fire and flames, and it's easy to be dazzled by the light and heat. But it burns out fast. Later it settles into a simmering bed of coals, not as bright, but more stable. It's more of a choice to continue feeding it fuel to keep the fire alive. "Do you think most people stay married for years and years b/c it's comfortable, not b/c they are "so in -"?" Yes. But it's more than just comfort it's less self-centered than that. It's a choice to not hurt the ones you, too. I think if people only stayed married when they're feeling the kind of "-" you describe, there'd be no point at all in being married. We'd just float from one relationship to another, constantly seeking the fire and flames, which always die down. "Should I just settle for what I have?" Probably yes, but I think you need an attitude adjustment. Why consider it "settling?" Doesn't sound like your husband is treating you badly, so there must be things that make your marriage a good one. I'd wonder why the comfort, security, stability (lasting conditions) are LESS important to you than that feeling of fire and flames (which always dies down). You say "damnit" because you can't have your fire and flames forever. I say "damnit" because society has taught our younger generations that should always be fire and flames, instead of the truth about how to tend a bed of coals so you can have fire and flames whenever you want.

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