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I've been canning beans these last few days. It's a pressure cooker. There's a certain process that must be followed to get the lid off this canner safely, so I can get the jars out. First, turn off the heat. Steam continue to vent for several minutes, under great pressure. If I attempt to remove the lid while it's venting, the cooker explode. Really. Once the steam has stopped completely, it's safe to remove the lid. I think your wife's frustrations are much like this analogy. This pattern between you two has been building for years and she doesn't trust that it's safe to open up to you. Not yet. You're going to have to make positive changes to create a safe environment for her to talk to you, but do NOT expect immediate results from her! She must blow off steam first. She's going to test you and stay distant for some time, until she's quite sure of your motivation and trust that it's safe to talk to you like you talked when you were first married. How about you turn off the heat? Stop pressuring her for sex, stop the snotty comments and ultimatims, and stop arguing. To fix the sex issue, you're going to have to fix communication and intimacy FIRST and that's not going to happen as as she fears negative reactions from you. Every time you argue or demand sex or criticize, you're turning up the heat again. Your actions when she returned home were a good start, but it's just a start. You can improve on this by apologizing to her for the 'I'll-quit-porn-when-you-put-out' comment you made. Quite possible she treated you coldly and ignored your actions because she hasn't heard the apology yet. SAY it and mean it. After some time, with consistent positive feedback from you, she'll get all the steam off (as as you don't heat it up again) and THEN it be time to ask her to open up.
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